Rocky Road

MEN, Can't Live With Them, Can't Live Without Them!!!

2007-06-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

I know it's tough sometimes at the office when one of us is out, like this week. V was in the office Monday and out the rest of the week. We both work a 40 hour week, but she normally starts and finishes 1/2 hour before me. So when she is out, I must start 1/2 hour early, but work to my regular end time, so I work 8.5 hour days. Not really a problem, 1/2 hour a day doesn't mess with my schedule much. The problem comes in when a lot seems to go whacky at the office and there is only one of us to handle everything, this week is one of those such weeks. I know it's not the case, but it seems that everything that could go wrong already has this week and it's only Wednesday morning. All this I feel like I can deal with though. What I am having trouble dealing with in my life right now is the fact that money is tight, and ttc has been put on hold, not only because of money being tight, because I am having testing done to see if there is yet another fertility problem that needs to be addressed. Nonetheless it is stressful, one of those 'damned if I do and damned if I don't' situations. I'm stressed while I'm ttc and stressed when I'm not because I have no chance if I'm not trying. One of the unfortunate parts of our situation, I can't just sit back and hope it magically happens on a rest cycle. I guess I could wish for miracle, but since records (if you are Christian and believe the Bible is a record of actual events) show only 1 immaculate conception in the past 2007 years, I have trouble believing that I will get pregnant on a rest cycle. To add to that, I get a call from my wonderful husband at 7:25am this morning asking me what I am doing....uhhh I am just about to work. The conversation continues like this:
Kev: You didn't put the dogs out this morning, did you?
Jo: No...I never put them out before I go to work.
Kev: Well you need to start. One of them just shit on the bedroom floor. *mind you this is the second time since Friday I think, but Bruiser was sick*
Jo: Maybe we need to start letting them out right before bed or pick up there food and water after they are out the last time. I don't have time to let them out before I go to work. I am already running myself ragged as it is. I'm not getting up at 4:30 in the morning to let the dogs out before I go to work.

At this point he doesn't say anything. I ask him if he is still there. He says yes. I proceed to tell him I don't understand why he even called if he isn't going to respond when I say things. It irks me, because this is how all our more serious conversations go. I say something he doesn't want to hear and he doesn't respond at all. So we will be having a conversation when I get home from work. Hopefully not a one sided conversation. I am lucky right now if I am managing to get 7 hours of sleep a night. I'm working 42 hours this week, normally 40 hours with 80minutes driving time on top of that and I still manage to get home and get dinner on the table. I tend to work on the computer while I'm eating because I feel like I can't even take the time to sit and eat without doing something else at the same time. Make it to the market twice a week, run my Avon business and make progress at that. And what is he doing?!?! Not much. Over the past 9 days, all I have seen him accomplish is cleaning the snake tank, mow 1/4 of the lawn, sweep the living room floor. One of the topics for discussion tonight will be his work situation. He is trying to run a drywall finishing business, but he hasn't had any work in over a month and with every passing week the money gets tighter and tighter. Our only saving grace has been the fact that we refinanced our house to get a lower rate and consolidated his motorcycle loan into that and in doing that we actually got to skip a mortgage payment, but the first payment on the new mortgage is coming due soon and it takes over 2 weeks of my pay to make the mortgage payment. I think it's time he looks for a full time job, because he isn't putting enough effort into getting drywall jobs. I'm afraid his business will have to take a back burner.

On the ttc front, I called the RE office this morning and my REs nurse said she would prefer I wait to get my test results directly from Dr. D since he prefers to personally speak with his patients. So I will wait for him to call me when he returns to the office on Monday. Also, the order was not written for my HSG because I wasn't sure I wanted to have it done, but I have since decided that I will have it done, so I will need to discuss that with him too. He will write the order and then I will need to call his office when my next cycle starts and they will schedule it then. For some reason they only do it before cycle day 15. I wonder if that is always the case. I think normally it would bother me that I need to wait to get my test results, but I'm almost glad to know that the reason I'm not getting them is because my RE is so hands on and wants to give me the results himself. I like the personal touch.

Long time, No post!

2007-06-15T12:18:00.000-04:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost 9 months since I posted on my blog. Since then we have done 6 more unsuccessful inseminations, a combination of IVIs and IUIs all at home. June 4th I saw Dr. D a Reproductive Endocronologist and had blood drawn for testing June 12th. I am still waiting for those results. My next RE appointment is scheduled for July 25th. I am going to call next week to get my test results and ask to have an HSG done to make sure my tubes are open. Dr. D says he has no problem with home inseminations, he just warns that it is a less effective method than in the office as they do 2 vials, while I am only doing 1. He understands there is a cost issue as well as my want to keep this as far away from clinical as possible given the circumstances. We are on a break for this cycle, hoping to get some answers in the next few weeks so we can be back to trying in August.
As far as employment goes, Kev was hit hard once again. He was permanently laid off Thanksgiving Eve. Early this year he decided to start his own Drywall finishing business which was doing great for the first couple months and now he hasn't had any work for several weeks again, so finances are getting tight and they will not be loosening anytime soon as we have a trip to Michigan and Illinois planned for August for a nephew's wedding. My Avon business has been booming a bit. I started in leadership, so that is bringing a little more money in, but not near enough as I would like just yet. Hopefully that will be changing soon.

I hope to be back to post again soon.

On A TTC Break!!!

2006-08-29T11:44:00.000-04:00

DIVI #3 was unsucessful, so we are on a break from TTC right now. We took vacation in August around the time we would have needed to do an insem and we decided to leave TTC at home, so I didn't take my thermometer and didn't chart at all, while on vacation. Since then I have been charting signs here and there, but in no way have I been diligently charting this cycle. Just wanted enough info in there to make sure I get my ovulation date pinpointed. We have decided to take off next cycle as well. I bought a motorcycle just before we left for vacation and got my motorcycle permit, so I have been focusing time and energy on learning to ride a motorcycle and want to enjoy it some before winter comes. I have my safety course Sept 7-Sept 17, so I should have my license after that.
*fingers crossed* It seems that Kev will be changing jobs next week finally. We have been awaiting this change for several months, I hope everything goes smoothly as he had a drug test yesterday and has a welding test sometime this week. His last day at his old job is to be this Thursday and I have taken Friday off from work which will be nice as Monday is a holiday, so we will have a 4 day weekend to enjoy together. I got a raise at work last week, so that will help with finances some. I am hoping that we will be able to get everything caught up financially in order to be able to try in October and then I would possibly have a late birthday present of a BFP in early November. That would be so exciting. I'm not so happy about not trying because we both want a baby so much, but I am also grateful for the break. I've also been considering adoption, but need to discuss that further with Kev. My fear (on top of cost) is that we would be turned down because we both work outside the home, so I'm thinking this may be something that we have to wait to do. But I also don't want to wait too long as Kev will be 37 in January. Hopefully everything goes as planned for now and we can try again very soon.

DIVI #3 BFP please!!!!

2006-07-25T11:11:00.000-04:00

We did our 3rd DIVI yesterday morning at 6am before dh went to work. We tried to get everything as similar to our first DIVI as we could since we were successful on our first try. And I believe in my heart the only reason it didn't work on the 2nd try is because I really muffed up the timing. So I am officially in the 2ww and hoping and praying for a BFP....a STICKY BFP. We are taking next cycle off as we will be on vacation before I will ovulate and I plan to leave ttc at home. So rather than stress myself about doing an unprepared DIVI, we will just skip a cycle and start back in September if this cycle is not successful. I have a very promising feeling about this cycle and getting the timing right just made that feeling stronger. Hopefully I will be able to hold out on testing though and hopefully when we do get another BFP I won't be too much of a nervous wreck feeling that a miscarriage may happen again. My OB gave me a 6 month standing order for blood pregnancy tests, but my test date isn't until Monday Aug 7th and my coworker is on vacation that week, so I'm not sure when I will be able to have blood tests done since I have to work 7:30am-4:30pm. I may have to talk my boss in to letting me just come in late and let someone else answer the phones for an hour or so. I guess I cross that bridge when I get there.

One of the worst days of my life

2006-06-26T06:47:00.000-04:00

We lost our darling, precious, little one June 3rd. It was the worst experience realizing that I was losing our miracle baby and there was nothing I could do to make it stop. Fortunately, my HCG levels dropped quickly and the doctor gave us the all clear to try again right away. So we did our second DICI on Friday, June 16th. Over the past week or so I've been very uncertain as to whether I ovulated anywhere close to then. So I had given up hope, and then on Friday, June 23rd Fertility Friend tells me that I may have ovulated Saturday, June 17th. So now I have a bit of hope, but trying not to be too hopeful as I'm not sure I believe that is when I ovulated. So I plan to wait it out until at least this Saturday and then think about testing depending on how I feel. I feel I may have ovulated Wednesday, June 21st, so I may just wait until then and see if AF shows. I'm not sure I can handle seeing a BFN, on the other hand seeing a BFP is going to be hard as well and I really want to have my levels check ASAP if I am pregnant again. The fear of miscarrying again may be horrible. I just hope for the best right now.
I started my veggie garden about 1 and a half weeks ago and in the one corner I put a tribute flower for our angel baby and it abundantly blooms. It's so pretty. And my veggie plants are growing tall and strong. Although it's not stopped raining much for the past week and we have som severe flooding, so I hope the little plants can withstand it all.

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-05-17T05:58:00.000-04:00

I can not believe this, I know I have been away for a while, but I had to post this on here. I got my BFP last night. We did a home IVI with donor sperm Wednesday, May 3rd and I tested last evening and got my BFP and I tested again this morning and it is definitely positive. I am still in disbelief. The very first try and it worked. I will be calling my GP today to schedule a test and consult and then set up an appt with an OB. YIPEE!!!!!!!!!

Early ovulation

2006-03-30T13:38:00.000-05:00

I am ovulating, today I think. I don't want to be ovulating today, that may make my next ovulation fall terrible for insem timing. I know just a few weeks ago I seemed kind of excited about the possibility of our first insem being moved up to the end of April if my cycles went on the short end of my normal range instead of the long end. Well, it looks like it's happening and I'm not extremely excited and this is why. We are supposed to be at my parents the last weekend in April for an anniversary party and normally it would be easy to say I just won't go, but we have family flying in from California that I haven't seen in years. So I guess I'm just going to hope that I don't ovulate when it looks like I may...if it just holds off until May 1st we'll be fine. Early would be okay too I guess, but then I run the risk of not having the tank early enough. I never thought it would be this tough to have a baby. So many years of being told you have to use protection so you don't get pregnant, and now I come to find out it's not that easy.

Oooh am I MAD!!!

2006-03-21T19:18:00.000-05:00

Just had to come on here and vent a little. WARNING: This post may be a little racy! I know some people may read this and think I am nuts, but I got home from work today and I wasn't feeling well all day, had a mild migraine. And I go in to my office and I notice that there is something that that is a dead give away that Kev masturbated while I was at work. Well, for some reason this has always been a sore spot with me. Maybe a pet peeve I guess. It really makes me feel inadequate. I really think that I have a rather healthy sexual appetite and I've thought from the beginning of my relationship with Kev that he had a somewhat low sex drive for a man and since his diagnosis, I've just chocked it up to low testosterone. Anyway, all that is beside the point, it just bothers me when a man that I am with feels the need to masturbate, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. If he was that horny I would have rather he waited until I got home and dragged me off to bed the minute I walked in the door. I would have found that way more appealing that coming home to find that he had relieved himself without me. Maybe I overreact to this, I just can't help how I feel. I'm thinking now though, since I am horny, despite the fact that I am/was kinda mad at him, I may just jump him when we go to bed and maybe it will make him feel guilty and he'll realize maybe I figured it out and he'll think long and hard before he does it again. Heck, maybe I'll wake him up and jump him again before I go to work in the morning. Man.....that evil Scorpio red-head coming out in me this early in my cycle. This may be a wicked week or so leading up to ovulation.

Anyway, off to the good stuff. Our new Sleep Number bed will be arriving tomorrow and I am so excited, I can't wait to sleep comfortably.

The Good News & The Bad News

2006-03-20T18:38:00.000-05:00

Wow, I didn't realize it was a week since I was on here. Things haven't been the greatest, but I always look at the fact that it could be worse. One of the good things that happened in the past week is that Kev and I went to the Select Comfort store and learned more about the Sleep Number beds and we ordered one. So hopefully that will get here sometime this week so we can get to sleeping better. My mom and dad have one and they just love it. Another good thing is that I had AF and now she is about gone, so we are in our last cycle before insems. It seemed like it was so far away and now I'm already on something like Cycle day 5 or 6, can you tell, I'm really charting this cycle...NOT!
Now for the bad news. Kev is laid off from work again. This is the 3rd time in 9 months and I'm getting a little sick of it. But, what can you do when you are the low man on the totem pole. Anyway, Kev has decided he would like to take a class or two to learn properly how to be a welder since that is what he has chosen to do for his career. So early May he is going to start classes, right about the time we are starting insems. We sat and had a talk, we discussed the fact that his unemployment is about 1/2 of what his paycheck normally is and we can't really survive on that, so he called an acquantaince of his, and thankfully he has some work for Kev. In fact, he is going to start this Saturday and next week will have about 50 hours of work. YIPEE!!!! Pretty much we talked and I told Kev he either had to find some work or I need to start working another job and he really doesn't like when I work more than one job, so he made the effort and I am so proud of him. We also talked about whether we should put ttc on hold for now until he gets through classes and gets back to working full-time for the company that laid him off and we decided not to wait. Everything will be fine one way or another and if we wait for everything to be perfect we will never have our family because we don't live in a perfect world. So we are still on track, I am so happy. I was afraid we were going to have to wait. His classes are only until the end of June, so I'll barely be along even if it works on the first try.

Been a while

2006-03-13T14:04:00.000-05:00

It's been a few days since I was here. Thursday ended up crazy, Kev got in trouble at work for something stupid and is not allowed to work in the facility where he was working, their rules, not our company's rules. They gave him the day off on Friday which was fine because he stopped on his way home from work and his truck wouldn't start. So I had to run to pick him up. In the meantime, Sue, the nurse for the insurance company was at our house, but we weren't there. She didn't get my messages, apparently she placed the original call to us using her husband's cell phone who was out of town when I called on Thursday. I called her back Friday after work and rescheduled for today after work. Hopefully everything goes well, if not I guess we cross that bridge then.
I've officially labeled Kev's most recent attempt at quitting smoking as a failed attempt. He is back to smoking a pack a day. I'm not sure he was even smoking that much before he was hypnotized to quit. I asked him if he wants to do the research to see what our health insurance covers and he said "you can." I told him that he didn't sound too enthusiastic and I'm not going to force him to quit, if he wants to quit I will do the research, but he doesn't seem to want to quit right now. I'm thinking once I get pregnant he may become comitted to getting healthier. I sure hope so, the cough sounds horrible, it makes me want to cry. I couldn't imagine coughing and stuff like that all the time.
On to me, I don't technically have cramps, but I have that feeling like I'm getting AF anytime now, looks like she will have her usual Wednesday appearance. I'm getting more excited as we get closer, this AF means one more cycle until our first insem cycle. I can't wait. It's all started to become more real now.

Please reschedule

2006-03-09T06:12:00.000-05:00

Well, dh and I talked this morning and he told me that Thursday night is the night the guys go out after work and he already told the guys he was going out, so he doesn't want to have the tests done this evening. So I'm going to call this person back and ask her if we can reschedule for next week. Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be a huge problem. That gives a few more days for everything to hopefully flush out of Kev's system. I told him he has to drink lots and lots of water. This just makes me so nervous and flares my temper a bit. If he just wouldn't do this stuff I wouldn't have to go through all this worrying and being mad. Uhhhhhh, it's so frustrating. Hopefully this will be no trouble, she'll just reschedule and I can just try to forget about it until next week.

Yet another reason to quit

2006-03-08T21:52:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post because I'm really tired and need to go to sleep in order to be at least somewhat lively at work tomorrow. I am so bored, have nothing to do at work. It makes the day go so slow when I have nothing to do. Anyway, we got a call from the lady to come draw our blood and get the urine samples for our screening for our life insurance. She is coming tomorrow and I asked what all they would be testing for and of course she answered "the normal, cholesterol, blood sugar, tobacco if you said you don't use it and other substances." Great!!!!! So I know mine will come back just fine, but Kev's, not so sure about. He claims it's been 2-3 weeks since he used that other substance, but I'm not so sure I believe him, and even if it has been that long, I'm not sure if it would be out of his system. Ughhhhhhh.....just one more thing for me to stress about. And of course I couldn't restrain myself, I said to him, "do you see why I want you to stop doing this stuff? Everyone tests for it and it effects everything I do to try to better things for us." Probably not the smartest thing to say, but I wish he would realize that things would be so much less stressful for me and easier for us in general if he would just stop all this. Hopefully I can try to not think about it tomorrow and just go with the flow, if it comes back positive, it does and we go from there. At least I'll be covered, but I really want both of us covered.

TMI

2006-03-07T12:37:00.000-05:00

Things are much better. I got home from work yesterday and Kev was playing on the computer. He came out to eat dinner and we sat and watched part of a movie and then went up to bed and finished watching the movie. I can't remember if he had a cig after dinner, that's how much I'm trying to not pay attention to the bad parts. TMI....we went up to bed and bd and he went down to the kitchen to get me a glass of water and got himself a yogurt instead of going outside for a cig. Regardless of how much he is or is not smoking he isn't drinking as much as he was last week and he is being nice to me, back to being himself feeling me up in the kitchen while I'm trying to make dinner. I make a little bit of a fuss about it, but he knows I like it. We are planning to go to a dance club this coming weekend, I just made a hotel reservation near the club so we don't have to worry about driving home intoxicated. Adds a little more cost, but we will make it home safe in the morning, and sometimes it is fun to spend a night away from home. It's like a mini-vacation. Besides, we have to do these things now, because we have our babies we won't be doing these things, we will be at home enjoying our long awaited babies.

Weekend

2006-03-06T16:17:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a few days. We were visiting my parents this weekend. Mom and I have a tax accounting business so I was really working a good bit of the weekend. I really need it for a couple reasons, one reason is it gives me a refresher on everything and the other reason being that we still owe mom for money spent on our wedding in August, she says she is not worried about it, but it bugs me. All these doctor bills haven't helped us get ahead any. At least I have worked off some of that debt. Not sure if Kev and dad talked much about his cigarette smoking or not. They spent a majority of the weekend together out at the shooting range and shopping for new guns and hunting & fishing stuff. I've not been mentioning Kev's smoking at all and have been trying not to pay attention to how much he is smoking. He was nice to me all weekend, not sure if that was just because we were at my parents or if he is feeling better or what. I know he told me the other day that he knows he hasn't been the nicest to me over the past week. We will see how things are when I get home since we are back to the daily routine. I'm a little tired today, I was up too late last evening. I'm thinking I should research what our insurance pays in the way of quit smoking programs. I know they cover some things and just let Kev know because he did ask at one point because someone asked him and he didn't think they did cover anything. I have to try to remember to check that out tonight.

Realizations

2006-03-03T10:40:00.000-05:00

Last night was another pretty good evening. We had an appointment for an insurance agent to come to our home and offer us Life Insurance, so we did that and got it all taken care of. And in that process we found another reason for Kev to not smoke anymore. Once he has not been smoking for 1 year his policy premium will be lowered by $12/month, $144/year. That is a great difference considering my policy premium is only a little more than that total. Anyway, despite that conversation with the insurance agent Kev got his coat and got ready to leave the house and I asked him where he was going. I really should learn not to ask questions that I don't want the answer to. He told me he was going to get a pack of cigarettes and I can't even remember what I said, but I did keep my calm. I don't know if he really did buy a pack, I think he did because I think his coat smelled like cigarette smoke when he came back. But I decided while he was out last night buying that pack of cigs, that I am not going to say anything to him about his smoking and drinking anymore. Substance abuse is another story, I can't just let that go, but he says he isn't doing that so I believe him. I think maybe if I take the pressure off it may help him more, maybe me mentioning the smoking and drinking is putting him more on edge and making it harder. So we will see how this works. I don't really know how much he is drinking, I just can't keep track, but the same case of beer is in the fridge that has been there since Tuesday, so it can't be as terrible as I thought it may be. And this morning I dumped a whole beer and another half down the sink which would normally make me mad because I picture it as money going down the drain, but this is more about the health of my husband than the money. So from now on I vow to not mention it and hopefully he will really just do this on his own and tell me if he needs my support and how I should go about helping him. I figure if he does go back to smoking it isn't the end of the world, eventually he may make the full commitment to quitting and then he will be able to do it. No amount of pushing by me is going to make it happen.

Insems late April?

2006-03-02T06:35:00.000-05:00

I just spent the early morning hours paying bills, balancing checkbooks, and budgeting. Fun, fun. I love doing that, probably why I chose Accounting as my career. In budgeting I've included what we will have to pay for our donor sperm and I had it budgeted to pay the end of April which would have been fine. But I got a temp rise this morning so I'm absolutely certain I ovulated yesterday and that means I may ovulate again the very end of March moving everything up to ovulating the end of April instead of early May. Now it's starting to seem not so far away. WOW!!!! I'm getting excited.
In other news, Kev got up after the alarm went off the first time this morning and got dressed and went to work. No fussing or whining at all. I was so relieved. I just hope this evening he is better or hasn't slid back to being mean or even worse, started smoking all over again. He says he really doesn't want to, but he really had to fight the urge to get a pack of cigs on his way home. He also mentioned someone at work asked if he wasn't joining them for a cig and he said "NO" and they said it was great he quit and asked if he quit his other substance and he said "YES." I'm so glad and since I openly told me that I believe that he has quit. It was such a relief to just sit and talk last evening over dinner. I really feel a lot less stressed today than I have all week. Thankfully it is Thursday and tomorrow is Friday. I'm excited to see my family this weekend, we are all getting together for a birthday dinner for my youngest sister, I can't believe she turned 22 yesterday. Well, off to get ready for work and take my puppies out. We were supposed to have snow and sleet last night, but low and behold we wake up and there is nothing. Now it is raining. I hope it doesn't get bad during the day today, I don't like driving in the mess even though I do have a 4X4.

Ovulation & Understanding

2006-03-01T20:10:00.000-05:00

I got through work today. I had a strange pain in my side last night and knew I was close to ovulating so I did an OPK last evening and low and behold it was positive, so I was thinking the pain was the onset of ovulation. I was okay all day, but having these twinges in my side and by 4pm I was having some serious pain in my side. I got home and explained to Kev that I think I am ovulating and I don't normally feel it, I normally have to rely on other signs. I took an OPK this evening and the line is light, so I'm sure that is what the pain was. Not that I like the pain, but I think it would be nice to have the same signs 2 months from now when we do our first insem. Had we been doing an insem this month I would have done it last night and felt great about the timing with the events of today.
Anyway, as for Kev, I got home from work and we actually sat here and talked and he was smiling. I asked him if he had any idea what he wanted me to make for dinner and he said he would rather someone else cook for us tonight, so we went out. It was only to Hoss's, but it was a good dinner. I love their salad bar. Kev cheated having one cigarette today as well. He said right after we were done with dinner he had the urge to have another one, but he doesn't want to buy a pack because he knows he will start right back up again. He explained to me how it feels like he really has an angel on one shoulder and the devil sitting on his other shoulder and all they do is fight for his attention all day, but when he's sleeping he can't hear them. Thus why he didn't want to get out of bed this morning and just wanted to go to bed when we got back from dinner. It doesn't help that he isn't busy at work either. There is one guy at work he doesn't get along with and he had to work with him today and he thinks if that guy wouldn't have been stupid and asked something about our family Kev wouldn't have smoked a cigarette today. I also explained to Kev that I am trying to be supportive, it's just very hard for me because I've not been addicted and therefore never had to go through withdrawing from an addiction. And he realized there was no real way to explain it to me so I would be able to understand what he is going through. Although he was able to liken it to me having that bag of candy on my desk and if it's on my desk I will eat it, but if I put it in my desk drawer I won't eat as much, but I know it's there and I really want it and eventually will open the drawer and take them out and eat them. He feels like him not having a cigarette is like that feeling I have just before I open the drawer and take those candies out, except he doesn't have cigarettes in reach so he just keeps having that feeling of wanting them. We also discussed him drinking more beer is not the answer to not smoking. I point blank said to him, my father was an alcoholic, Kev's father was an alcoholic. I asked him if he liked his father when he was an alcoholic and he said "NO, Not at all." Well I didn't like my father when he was an alcoholic either and I don't want our children to have to view their father the way I or Kev have viewed our own father's. Unfortunately I never knew my father when he wasn't an alcoholic. He was one until he was on his death bed and he only lived 4-1/2 months after diagnosis. Not long enough to recover 20 years of a broken relationship. Fortunately Kev's father has managed to stay away from the alcohol. To a certain degree I believe that alcoholism is possibly partially genetic in which case Kev could really easily get in to trouble drinking the way he is now and he doesn't say that he disagrees with my thinking that way. I did tell him I am very proud with the progress he has made and I really think he can make it if he just stays away from the cigs a little longer. Today he is better than he was yesterday and yesterday he was better than any day from Saturday to Monday.
He went up to bed and I went up and we talked, reminiscing about old times, when we met and started dating. It was great. He was drifting off to sleep at the sound of my voice and I wasn't ready to go to bed yet, so I hugged him and kissed him and told him I love him very much. I really do. We have been through so much lately and I have always tried to put myself in the other person's shoes instead of judging them and lately it just seems like there are things happening to him that I can't put myself in his shoes. It just seems so impossible to know how he is feeling and therefore makes it hard for me to know how to support him. It makes me feel powerless when I am such a caring person and I am best at nurturing. It's heartbreaking to watch the love of my life go through all this and not know how to really help him.

A little better

2006-03-01T08:29:00.000-05:00

We dropped Kev's truck off at the garage after work on Monday for inspection. So yesterday we woke up to snow and Kev drove my truck with me in it to work and then I left, went to get breakfast and McDonald's and my morning White Chocolate Caramel Cappucinno which I really shouldn't drink, but it's so mm mm good. Anyway, the McDonald's food had me feeling less than great most of the day. Kev was dropped off at the shop/office and he confessed that he had cheated, he had a cigarette and it made him dizzy and his body felt all tingly. I was a little upset that he caved and had one, but he was a little nicer to me last evening. We drove to the garage and picked up his truck and then drove home. We had Lasagne for dinner, it was a frozen meal, not near as good as if I would have made it from scratch, but still it was okay and I didn't have to do much work for it. Kev went to bed at 7:30pm. I think he was trying to hide from the fact that he couldn't have a cig. This morning Kev's alarm went off for him to get up for work, I took my temp and he actually cuddled with me this morning. We laid there for a little bit and his alarm kept going off, I told him he needed to get up for work and he told me he wasn't going to work today. Certainly not how I want to start my day, I nagged a little and we ended up bding, under the condition he would get up and go to work. Afterwards, I told him he needed to go to work, he said again he wasn't going. I told him that was not the right answer, he needed to get up and go. He can't just not go to work because he doesn't feel like it, he just wanted to lay in bed all day, easier than dealing with the nicotine withdrawal I guess. Seemed to me like sign of depression, coupled with the low testosterone, he just didn't feel like getting up. I told him he can't just not go to work, we need the money in order to do our insems and once we have children not going to work because you don't feel like it is not an option, children have needs and are costly. Besides, he promised if I gave him what he wanted he would get up and go, not holding up his end of the bargain would mean he used me. He did then get up and go to work, I was proud of him that he did that even though he didn't want to. I'm so glad he knows I'm right and only pushing him because I love him enough to make sure he does what he needs to do. Hopefully this day gets better and he isn't a complete arse when I get home. I just hope I'm not pushing too hard, especially while he is going through this quitting the things that are bad for him.
On another note, Vee from fertilityfriend found my blog. I was so excited to see she commented. She is a great gal and she understands what Kev is going through. I haven't had to quit an addiction, such as smoking cigs, so I don't know what it is like to go through that. I just wish it wasn't so hard on us.

Donor

2006-02-28T15:14:00.000-05:00

The profiles came from the sperm bank yesterday. Kev and I looked over them. It just confirmed that the donor we liked is the one that we want to use to have our miracle baby. As we get closer I'm still concerned about Kev's behavior and lifestyle habits. We are 2 months from when we decided to start insems and I have an uneasy feeling. I was hoping by starting this blog I may feel better about it since I am writing my concerns down. I think I will wait it out through this weekend and see how things go at mom and dad's house. I may decide when I'm up there to talk to dad. Dad and I have this connection, he can see when things are bothering me and if I'm still feeling this way he will almost surely be able to tell that something is not right with me and then I will have to be honest with dad. I just hope Kev will return to normal soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The only good thing about all this is that I have learned when I'm stressed to go exercise, and I have been exercising a lot and hard too. If I keep going like this my abs will be flat in no time.

Should I see a Counselor?

2006-02-28T14:49:00.000-05:00

My last post updated to Feb 19th. Kev and I had seen a advertisement for a company that would help you quit smoking via Hypnosis. We know someone at work that it worked for, so Kev decided he would try it. Saturday was the day, we got up and went. My friend K was going to go to lose weight, well she chickened out before she got there. Which didn't matter because she was late and they probably wouldn't have let her in anyway. Kev threw away his cigarettes while there and then we went to lunch. I was so proud of Kev for having quit smoking. Unfortunately he has been drinking more beer since he quit smoking and he has not been nice to me. This is three days and he hides on the computer playing games ignoring me, drinking his beer, other than work only comes out of there to get another beer. I ask him a question and he gives me a snide answer or tries to make an ass out of me for even asking the question. I asked him last evening if he can at least try to be nice to me and he says "what do you expect when you change everything about the man you love?" That was like a dagger through my heart. I left the room feeling like I was going to cry. I went and made dinner. I went back in to him and explained that I only ever asked him to change one thing and that was to quit the one particular substance, not the drinking and not the smoking cigs. I would like for him to quit it all, but told him last week before he quit smoking that if I had to live with anything he could quit that substance and keep smoking and drinking beer in moderation. Instead he quit smoking, claims he quit the substance and is drinking a lot more than I would like and is nasty to me. My father was an alcholic till he was on his death bed, Kev's father was an alcoholic and thankfully stopped, I don't want to have another alcoholic in my life. I'm scared that he will never change from what he is now. And I'm not sure I believe that he has quit the substance. He makes some cash withdrawals from his bank account and I never ask what they are for, but I'm suspicious. Although if he is using it he isn't doing it when I could easily catch him. I can't seem to make him understand that I want children so badly, but I don't want to bring children into our lives when he is acting like this. We are planning for insems in May and I feel like telling him I won't do them until he starts treating me nicer and I'm sure that he is not using that substance anymore. We are going to see my parent's this weekend and celebrate my sister T's birthday. My dad used to use the same substance as Kev and stopped because my mom made him realize he had a family to care for and he wasn't really capable of doing it properly while using the substance. I feel like telling my dad what Kev is doing and ask him to talk to him. I'm just afraid Kev will get mad at me instead of hearing what dad has to say. I haven't talked to my doctor about any of this, but she mentioned when I went in to talk to her about the donor that she thought it would be a good idea for us to see a counselor before we go ahead with insems. Kev says he won't, but I'm thinking I may go to talk about this substance issue. Maybe I will get some idea of how to talk to Kev at least.

Kev's problem

2006-02-28T14:33:00.000-05:00

When we first started exploring possibly reasons for not getting pregnant within a little more than a year we both started changing our lifestyle to be more healthy, trying to eliminate bad habits. I started exercising every day and eating healthier. Kev cut back on drinking and smoking and completely stopped using his other substance. I was so happy, we were on the road to more healthy family life, even if we still didn't know why we didn't have a baby yet. Then the test results came and we really needed each other and were there for each other. I thought we were both handling things so well. Then I came to find out he had started his substance abuse again. I was so infuriated, but he promised me it wasn't much and he didn't have any at home, it was only a little bit after work. Then just this past weekend we were going to go out for dinner. We would have liked to go to Lanc but that was further than either one of us wanted to go for dinner, so we were going to Etown instead. Kev called to invite my good friend K and her husband A to go to dinner with us. They couldn't go to dinner with us, but Kev says we are going to their house when we go to dinner. They live in Mville which is close to Lanc which was too far to drive for dinner and K & A use the same substance Kev does, so I come to the conclusion that Kev wants to go to K & A's house to get some stuff. I flipped out, I was so mad. Kev admitted that is what he was doing. I tried to talk to him about it, explaining that I thought he had stopped and wasn't going to do that anymore and he wanted to have children so bad. He had told me months before that he wanted kids so badly that he was willing to quit, but now here he is doing it again. All he can manage to say to me while he is playing on the computer ignoring me is that I knew from the start that he did this and he doesn't intend to do this when we have kids. He ends up calling A and telling him we are not going to their house, we then talk more and I cry because I am so upset. He then says, lets go to dinner and we do and have a nice evening.

The start of our baby journey/Kev's Diagnosis

2006-02-28T14:16:00.000-05:00

Kev and I married in Aug 2005. I had stopped birth control pills July 2004 because I was suffering biweekly migraines due to the hormones. Kev decided if we were meant to have a baby then we would, so no bcps was okay. Although he used condoms for a little while after I stopped taking the bcps. We started really trying to have a baby when we got married and in October Kev went for his first physical in years and I was amazed, he came home with an order for a Semen Analysis. He went about 3 weeks later and finally had the test done and he got the call the day before Thanksgiving, there were no sperm. We had a rough Thanksgiving day with my parents there. Kev decided it was okay for me to share the results with Mom. Mom eventually told Dad and that was okay. We went for first Urologist appt December 19th and they ordered a 2nd semen analysis, 2 ultrasounds, a hormone panel and chromosomal analysis. We had our 2nd appt with the Urologist Jan 16th to go over test results. The 2nd SA showed no sperm, the ultrasounds were both okay, Testosterone level was low and FSH was too high showing the testes are not working. The Chromsome test wasn't back, it came back later that week and showed dh has Klinefelter's Syndrome, his Chromosomes are XXY instead of XY. Dr. T offers to set-up to do a biopsy, but Kev declines the offer. We discuss it, our only option for bio children is to do the biopsy and IVF with ICSI, Kev says he doesn't want to do that and I know we can't afford it. He is so protective of me, he doesn't want me to go through all the drugs and necessary testing for that as well as him not wanting to be cut open. So he mentions donor sperm as I had only mentioned it in passing before. We decide that is the route we will take and I start comparison shopping for sperm banks. After many suggestions from my friends on fertilityfriend where I went to find some caring souls to talk to and start charting, we decide on Midwest. So I headed to my family doctor to discuss all this and get the paperwork signed, everything goes well, I send the paperwork in and we start looking at possible donors, we decide on a few we like and I send a note asking for some profiles on the ones we like.

Meeting Mr. Right

2006-02-28T13:51:00.000-05:00

Since all that loss I had a failed marriage due to abuse, which was actually my 3rd go round with abuse. I sure know how to pick them. Raped at 18 by an acquaintance. Abused by a boyfriend at 19 and then abused by my husband at 23. Finally in November 2003 I meet the man of my dreams. I was working 3 jobs to keep my time occupied so as to not have any time to think about my troubled life and loneliness. One of my jobs was being a cashier at a grocery in the evening and this man was a nighttime stockboy. He would come in to work shortly before I would finish my shift and would always flash a smile my way. Then he started coming through my line when buying his snacks and cigarettes. One night he asked me about my current relationship and I fell off the sidewalk making a complete fool of myself. After that he asked me out several times and I rejected the poor guy every time, except the last time of course. It was my birthday and it was supposed to be my last night working at the store. My little sister T who worked there too noticed he was interested and mentioned to him that it was my last night at the store. My co-workers had cake to celebrate my birthday and invited the stockboys to have cake too. He came over to me and wished me a happy birthday and asked to take me out for a drink because the boss was letting him out of work early that night. I finally said yes and we really enjoyed ourselves. From that point on we were inseparable. We married last August, just short of 2 years being together. We are so in love with each other and the only thing that ever affects our closeness are his bad habits. When I met Kev I knew he smoked and he took me out to a bar for our first date so I knew that he at least drank occasionally, but neither of those things bothered me terribly. People quit smoking all the time and as long as the drinking wasn't excessive it would be fine. Then he confided in me that he had another substance abuse problem. I was a little put off by that, but he was such a great guy that I thought we could work through it and honestly thought he would eventually realize there was no need for that and would stop.

Too much loss

2006-02-28T13:22:00.000-05:00

It seems a little strange to me to find myself here. But I've kept journals off and on throughout the years and I thought this may be a way to get back to keeping one and keep my feelings in check. Many things I can discuss with my Kev (my dear husband), but who does one talk to when they want to talk about the irritating qualities of said dh? Even moreso, is not wanting to talk to anyone about dh because the problems tend to be ones that you don't want share for fear of what they will think of dh or me or because my dearest friend has the same problem as dh so she can't possibly support me. I think sometimes she is worse than dh with her problem.
A little history here. I guess I come from a fairly normal American family, my father left my mother, my sister and I when I was 3yo and my sister and 1-1/2yo. Mom remarried when I was 5 and this man was my daddy, I loved him then and I love him even more now. I knew my father, but he was never really "daddy." One of my favorite sayings is "Any man can be a father, it takes a special man to be a dad." That saying has come to mean more to me again recently as Kev and I are going through our recent struggles. Unfortunately my father died of lung cancer in 2000 when I was 20, possibly Mesothelioma, but we don't know and never will know since he was cremated. In 2001, just before my 22nd birthday the man I loved assisted in Red Cross operations in NYC after those horrible events and then went back to work as a travelling phlebotomist doing on site drug testing for OSHA. He was scheduled to come back from Washington state and the company offered to fly him home to me and he insisted on driving due to a fear of flying exemplified by the events of 9/11. He never made it home, he fell asleep driving and his truck hit head on with a tractor trailer, killing him instantly. His sister communicated to me that she found a receipt for an engagement ring along with ski trip reservations for the following month. At the age of 21 I lost my fiance-to-be and my grandmother died within days. Too much loss.